Change

Lately, I have been wanting to do things differently than how I have been. I've had moments in which I've been tempted to go back into the darkroom, because I miss the feeling of accomplishment and achievement I get out of my darkroom prints compared to how my images have been looking digitally. I cannot decide whether my images look shitty because I'm not exposing properly, my shutter speed isn't slow enough, or if it's the content that I'm taking pictures of. I can only determine whether my pictures are missing what they used to have by stepping back into the darkroom.

As of recently I haven't had time to devote to my photography, because of my mother's illnesses and repeat hospitalizations which have set me completely off track and put me behind in all of my work. However, this past weekend, I found time to go take pictures of cute kids (my intention for the semester), develop them, and I attempted to make prints in the darkroom, but after 15 minutes I just wasn't feeling it. Something in me wasn't feeling being in that darkroom. I wanted to geek out, but I felt like I had to get out of there because my mind wasn't in it. Ultimately, I turned my negatives into digital images and the results of that... I don't like too much. All of my pictures seem underexposed. I've been so focused on taking a picture of what I want to be the right thing that I keep forgetting to properly expose it. In result, all of my pictures seem to be too dark.

Lately, I've been debating on whether I want to change the vision and direction that I want to go in for my final project. I enjoyed photographing adorable babies last week and I thought spending my semester visiting my classmate's daycare would give the pictures I was looking for, but I just feel like, "Okay that was cute... but this is boring."

I want to photograph subjects in which once you look at that picture, you can see what I was trying to capture, you can feel my essence in it. I'm supposed to go home this weekend and I plan on photographing my sister's kids. For some reason, I feel like my best photographs come from time I spend with them. I guess it's because I love them so much. I bought a couple of rolls of more film and I might have to buy more once I get a new bank card, because I lost my old one, but I think I just need to get a bunch of pictures of my niece and nephews then work from there.

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What to do, what to do?

After much contemplation, bouts of indecisiveness, and unsure feelings about what subject I precisely wanted to focus on this semester, it finally came to me through the offered suggestion of a fellow classmate who owns a daycare. I'm still going to have to come up with a definite premise and purpose to my photographs, but I know for sure that I want to photograph children.

I've enjoyed photographing my niece and nephews in the past as well as close friends, so I know I want to stick with photographs of people, particularly candid shots. With photographing children one is able to capture an array of expressions, emotions, behaviors, and activities... plus, they're just so cute! Thank God for my classmate who runs a daycare, because had I not expressed that my nieces and nephews were too far to continuously drive out to film and had she not mentioned her daycare, I probably still wouldn't have any idea about what I'd be spending my semester shooting.

I plan on going by there early tomorrow morning to shoot my first roll of film then get back to campus to develop the negatives and possibly work on a print - if not, I'll make a print Tuesday night or Thursday morning which are the next times that I'll be free. I think the biggest trial of spending my semester filming these kids is scheduling. I'm going to have to make time around when I'm available... which is when I'm not in class or at work, when I'm not doing homework, and when the kids aren't napping - which according to my classmate is from noon to 2:30pm.

In the end, I hope the finished product is worth it, because I'm most definitely excited to work with the kids. I plan to make some amazing prints!